Feeling influential in a relationship, rather than being a man or a woman, appears to be the strongest predictor of who takes the lead in the bedroom, according to new research. The findings suggest that sexual assertiveness is shaped more by relationship dynamics than by traditional gender roles.
Sexual assertiveness refers to the confidence to initiate sex, communicate desires, express preferences, and set boundaries. Previous research has linked higher sexual assertiveness to greater sexual satisfaction, stronger self-esteem, healthier relationships, and safer sexual behavior.
Challenging Traditional Sexual Scripts
For decades, social norms have portrayed men as natural initiators of sex and women as passive responders. These expectations are rooted in heteronormative beliefs that position heterosexual relationships and traditional gender roles as the standard model for intimacy.
Earlier studies often appeared to support these assumptions, with men reporting higher levels of sexual assertiveness than women. However, more recent research has produced mixed findings, suggesting that changing social attitudes and growing gender equality may be weakening the influence of traditional sexual scripts.
The Role Of Relationship Power
Psychologists Verena Klein and Robert Körner sought to examine three possible explanations for sexual assertiveness: gender, heteronormativity, and relationship power.
The researchers defined relationship power as the extent to which a person feels capable of influencing their partner and having their needs considered within the relationship. They proposed that people who feel more influential in everyday relationship decisions may also feel more comfortable initiating sex, expressing desires, and refusing unwanted sexual activities.
This idea aligns with broader psychological theories suggesting that individuals with greater social power tend to show higher levels of agency, confidence, and goal-directed behavior.
Inside The German Couples Study
The study included 383 couples living in Germany, consisting of 287 heterosexual couples and 96 LGBTQ couples. Participants were, on average, 29 years old and had been in their current relationship for nearly five years.
Each partner completed an online questionnaire assessing sexual assertiveness, perceived relationship power, and other relevant psychological characteristics. Researchers measured how often participants communicated their sexual preferences, expressed their needs, and felt comfortable asserting themselves in intimate situations.
Using a dyadic analysis approach, which examines both partners simultaneously, the researchers tested whether gender, relationship type, or perceived power best predicted sexual assertiveness.
Gender And Heteronormativity Were Not Strong Predictors
The results challenged long-standing assumptions about sexual behavior. Men and women reported similar levels of sexual assertiveness across the sample, providing little support for the idea that men are naturally more likely to take the lead in sexual situations.
The researchers also found no evidence that gender differences were stronger in heterosexual couples than in same-sex couples. This suggests that the presence of a man and a woman in a relationship does not automatically determine who is more sexually assertive.
Power Emerged As The Strongest Factor
Instead, perceived relationship power consistently predicted sexual assertiveness.
Participants who felt they had greater influence within their relationship reported higher levels of sexual assertiveness regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or relationship type. They were more likely to express their desires, communicate boundaries, and take initiative in intimate situations.
According to Körner, relationship power was the only factor that remained a reliable predictor across all statistical models. The findings suggest that sexual confidence grows from feeling heard, respected, and influential in the relationship as a whole.
The association was particularly strong among couples who already communicated openly about sex. In these relationships, even small differences in perceived influence appeared to affect how confidently partners expressed their needs and desires.
Differences Among Marginalized Groups
The study also identified notable differences among certain groups.
Lesbian women reported lower levels of sexual assertiveness than heterosexual women, while non-binary participants reported the lowest levels of assertiveness across the entire sample.
The researchers suggest that these findings may be explained by intimate justice theory, which proposes that people from historically marginalized groups may internalize lower expectations regarding sexual pleasure and satisfaction. These beliefs can make it more difficult to prioritize or openly express personal needs.
Limitations And Future Research
The authors emphasize that the study was observational and cannot determine whether feeling powerful directly causes greater sexual assertiveness. It is possible that sexually assertive individuals become more influential within relationships, or that both factors influence each other over time.
The study also relied on self-reported data, which may be affected by social desirability and personal interpretation. In addition, all participants lived in Germany, a relatively liberal cultural context where traditional gender expectations may be less pronounced than in more conservative societies.
Future research will be needed to examine whether the same patterns appear in countries with different cultural norms surrounding gender, sexuality, and relationships.
What The Findings Mean For Couples
Despite these limitations, the study offers valuable insights for both couples and therapists. The findings suggest that improving sexual communication may require addressing broader relationship dynamics rather than focusing solely on intimacy itself.
When one partner consistently feels unheard or powerless in daily life, those patterns may also appear in the bedroom. Conversely, relationships characterized by mutual respect, shared decision-making, and balanced influence may create an environment where both partners feel more comfortable expressing their needs.
Rather than asking which gender is supposed to take the lead, the research points to a different question: who feels empowered to speak up?
