Some forms of dishonesty can, in certain situations, support rather than damage a relationship, according to American psychologist Mark Travers. While open communication remains essential, he notes that real-life relationships rarely operate according to absolute rules.
Writing for Forbes, Travers argues that even healthy partners occasionally bend the truth, and not all forms of dishonesty are manipulative. He highlights two specific types of what he calls “necessary lies” that, when used sparingly and thoughtfully, may help preserve intimacy and emotional safety.
What Prosocial Lies Look Like
The first category is prosocial lies, which are untruths told to maintain social harmony and emotional closeness. These may include offering comforting words or softening a harsh opinion when complete honesty would cause more pain than benefit in the moment.
Travers cites research published in The Journal of Social Psychology, which found that many people sometimes prefer reassuring or hopeful dishonesty to blunt honesty. In emotionally sensitive situations, small prosocial lies can feel kinder than a truth that serves no constructive purpose.
The same research suggests that people who are less satisfied in their relationships may be more likely to rely on prosocial lies. This may reflect an attempt to avoid conflict or criticism when trust and security already feel fragile.
How Protective Lies Work
The second type is protective lies, which are told to shield a partner from what is perceived as unnecessary emotional harm. In a 2025 study published in Personal Relationships, participants most often described their own lies in romantic relationships as protective rather than purely self-serving.
Researchers found that these protective lies generally fell into two categories. One involved protecting a partner, for example by downplaying a fleeting irritation. The other focused on self-protection, such as concealing minor insecurities to avoid escalating tension.
Travers stresses that these forms of deception are rooted in emotional regulation rather than manipulation. Their purpose is to prevent every passing annoyance, comparison, or doubt from escalating into a conflict serious enough to threaten the relationship.
Balancing Honesty And Kindness
The psychologist emphasizes that successful relationships require more than honesty alone. Qualities such as kindness, restraint, tact, and emotional intelligence can, in some situations, matter more than complete transparency.
He notes that being loving and being entirely candid are not always identical goals. In his view, preserving closeness may sometimes mean accepting that a softened or withheld truth is less harmful than a brutally honest disclosure.
At the same time, experts generally warn that frequent or serious lies about important issues, such as fidelity, finances, or core values, can erode trust over time. The challenge for couples is to distinguish between small, situational lies intended to protect feelings and patterns of deception that conceal significant problems.
Relationship therapists often recommend discussing expectations around honesty before conflicts arise. Clear boundaries about what should always be disclosed, what can be tactfully softened, and which topics are especially sensitive can reduce misunderstandings and help partners feel respected and secure.
