New psychological research suggests that the reasons single people want a romantic relationship are associated with both the kinds of relationship goals they pursue and the progress they report making toward those goals. The findings highlight how motivation may shape dating priorities alongside behavior.
Published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, the study draws on self-determination theory, a framework for understanding human motivation. The theory distinguishes between relatively autonomous motives, based on personal interest or values, and more controlled motives driven by internal or external pressure.
Previous research has found that pursuing personally endorsed goals is often associated with greater persistence and well-being than pursuing goals primarily because of pressure or obligation. Researchers have increasingly applied these ideas to romantic relationships and singlehood.
How the study was designed
The study, led by University of Toronto doctoral student Laura Hawkins, examined what single adults wanted from their romantic lives and whether different motivations were associated with the goals they established.
Researchers recruited 4,019 single adults between the ages of 18 and 39. Participants completed an online survey about their reasons for wanting a romantic relationship and listed up to three relationship-related goals they hoped to pursue during the following six months.
The researchers categorized approximately 12,000 written goals into 41 themes, including dating more, having fun, developing intimacy, remaining single and improving finances. Six months later, 3,176 participants returned and reported how much progress they had made toward their goals.
On average, participants reported completing approximately 41.7% of their relationship goals. The researchers then examined how different forms of motivation were associated with both goal content and self-reported progress.
Five types of relationship motivation
The researchers distinguished five forms of motivation based on self-determination theory.
Intrinsic motivation involves pursuing relationships because the experience itself is enjoyable or rewarding. Identified motivation occurs when someone sees having a relationship as personally important and consistent with their values, even when pursuing one is not always enjoyable.
Introjected motivation involves internal pressure, such as pursuing a relationship to protect self-esteem or avoid guilt or feelings of inadequacy. External motivation involves pressure originating more directly from other people or social expectations.
Amotivation describes an absence of meaningful motivation to pursue a relationship, including uncertainty about why one would want to do so.
These categories describe different reasons for pursuing relationship goals rather than fixed personality types. The same person can also experience more than one form of motivation.
What autonomously motivated singles wanted
People reporting greater intrinsic or identified motivation were more likely to establish goals involving relationship quality, intimacy and enjoyable dating experiences.
Identified motivation was particularly associated with goals involving committed relationships and longer-term partnership. These participants tended to emphasize what they wanted from a relationship rather than merely changing their relationship status.
Intrinsic and identified motivation were also negatively associated with goals involving remaining single.
These findings fit with self-determination theory’s distinction between autonomous and controlled motivation. However, the study does not establish that having autonomous motives will necessarily lead someone to find a healthier or more satisfying relationship.
When dating is tied to self-worth
A different pattern emerged for introjected motivation. Participants with stronger introjected motives were more likely to pursue goals involving finding a partner, dating, sex, social activity and aspects of appearance or self-improvement.
They were less likely to emphasize some goals involving relationship quality and intimacy. However, describing these participants as caring only about relationship status would go beyond what the data demonstrate.
Higher introjected motivation was also associated with less self-reported progress toward relationship goals over the six-month period.
One possible explanation is that pressure involving self-worth or insecurity can make dating more difficult. But the study did not demonstrate that these motives caused poorer progress or that potential partners were specifically being “turned away” by them.
Other factors could influence both a person’s motivation and their ability to pursue relationship goals.
External pressure and remaining single
External motivation, including dating because of expectations from others, showed a more limited pattern of associations. It was particularly related to goals involving going on dates.
This may indicate that external pressure is associated more strongly with certain dating activities than with internally valued relationship outcomes. It does not necessarily mean that externally motivated people approach dating simply as a task to complete.
Amotivation, meanwhile, was strongly associated with goals involving remaining single or not pursuing a romantic relationship.
Participants higher in amotivation also reported relatively high goal attainment. The researchers noted an important complication in interpreting this result: relationship goals differ considerably in difficulty.
Successfully remaining single, for example, does not require finding another person who wants the same relationship and is mutually compatible. Consequently, higher goal completion among amotivated participants should not be interpreted as evidence that amotivation generally makes people more successful.
Nor does amotivation necessarily mean that singlehood is a positive and deliberate choice. Someone can prefer being single, but amotivation as defined within self-determination theory can also involve lacking intention or seeing little reason to pursue a particular goal.
What the findings mean for dating
The findings are broadly consistent with research linking autonomous motivation with more favorable experiences across different areas of life. In relationships, pursuing personally meaningful goals may differ psychologically from seeking a partner primarily because of internal or external pressure.
However, this study primarily identifies associations. Motivation was not randomly assigned, and participants’ goal progress was self-reported. The findings therefore cannot demonstrate that changing someone’s motivation would cause them to achieve different dating outcomes.
The study also focused on adults between 18 and 39, limiting conclusions about people navigating singlehood and relationships later in life. Gender, sexual orientation, cultural background and other circumstances could also influence both relationship goals and the pressures surrounding partnership.
Another important limitation is that the goals were not equally difficult. Going on more dates, remaining single, developing intimacy and finding a committed partner involve fundamentally different circumstances, making percentages of goal completion difficult to compare directly.
Still, the research suggests that asking why someone wants a relationship may reveal something important about what they subsequently pursue. Wanting intimacy because it feels personally meaningful is psychologically different from seeking partnership primarily to satisfy family expectations or reassure oneself about personal worth.
For people navigating dating, reflecting on those motivations may help clarify what they actually want from a relationship. But the findings do not provide a formula for finding a partner: genuine motivation cannot guarantee romantic success, just as insecurity or social pressure does not make a healthy relationship impossible.
