People often compare themselves with their romantic partners, but a new psychology study suggests that the focus of these comparisons may change as relationships develop. Earlier in relationships, people may be more likely to compare abilities, while longer and more established partnerships appear to involve more comparisons of opinions and perspectives.
Published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the research builds on decades of work on social comparison — the process through which people evaluate themselves by comparing their abilities, beliefs or characteristics with those of others. Previous studies have linked some forms of comparison with changes in self-esteem, loneliness and life satisfaction, although the effects depend heavily on what is being compared and how people interpret the difference.
How partner comparisons change over time
The new research, led by Zachary A. Reese of the University of San Francisco, examined how social comparison operates specifically within romantic relationships.
For the first analysis, the researchers pooled data from three earlier online surveys involving 808 adults who were currently in romantic relationships.
Participants reported how often they compared their abilities with those of their partner, including areas such as career achievement and financial competence. They also completed measures assessing age, self-esteem, relationship duration, relationship satisfaction and perceived closeness.
The researchers additionally used a visual measure designed to capture how much participants felt their sense of self overlapped with that of their partner.
Younger participants and those reporting lower self-esteem tended to make more ability-based comparisons with their partners. More frequent ability comparisons were also associated with shorter relationships and lower relationship satisfaction.
Perceived closeness, however, was not significantly associated with ability comparison in this analysis.
These findings are correlational. They do not establish that low self-esteem, younger age or relationship dissatisfaction causes people to compare themselves more frequently with their partners.
Age and self-esteem were linked to ability comparisons
Reese suggested that ability comparisons may be particularly relevant during periods when people are still developing confidence in their own abilities and relationship roles.
Younger adults may be navigating questions about career development, finances, independence and what they contribute to a partnership. A romantic partner can therefore become a particularly salient comparison target.
The data showed an association between age and comparison frequency, but the study does not demonstrate that increasing age itself causes people to become more confident or less competitive with a partner.
Similarly, lower self-esteem was associated with more frequent ability comparisons, but the cross-sectional design cannot determine the direction of that relationship.
A gender pattern emerged in same-gender couples
Among participants in different-gender relationships, men and women reported broadly similar levels of ability comparison.
One notable result appeared among men with male partners, who reported the highest average levels of ability-based comparison.
However, Reese cautioned that this finding was based on only 37 men in same-gender relationships. The small subgroup means the result should be interpreted cautiously and replicated in larger samples before broader conclusions are drawn.
The finding raises questions about whether gender norms, competition or other relationship dynamics might influence comparison patterns, but the present study cannot determine which mechanisms are responsible.
A second study examined comparisons of opinions
The researchers then conducted a second study involving 300 adults who were currently in romantic relationships.
This time, participants reported not only how often they compared their abilities with their partner’s, but also how frequently they compared their opinions and viewpoints. They were also asked why they engaged in these comparisons.
The pattern for ability comparisons was similar to the first study. Younger participants, people with lower self-esteem and those in shorter relationships tended to report more frequent ability comparisons.
Opinion comparisons showed a different pattern.
They were more common among people in longer, closer and more satisfying relationships. This suggests that different forms of comparison may serve different functions within romantic partnerships.
From evaluation to shared perspective
The findings do not necessarily show that relationships move neatly from competition to collaboration. However, they suggest that the type of comparison partners make may change with relationship duration and relationship quality.
Ability comparisons can involve evaluating how one person performs relative to the other. Someone might compare career progress, financial competence or other areas in which performance can be judged.
Opinion comparisons, by contrast, can involve using a partner as a source of information or perspective.
In more established relationships, people may increasingly consider how their partner interprets a situation, what they think about a decision or whether their judgment offers useful information.
This kind of comparison does not necessarily involve deciding who is “better.” It may instead become part of joint decision-making and everyday coordination.
Why people compare themselves with partners
Participants described several reasons for comparing themselves with their romantic partners.
Some used their partner as a benchmark for self-evaluation, assessing their own abilities in relation to someone they knew well.
Others described comparison as a way of learning. Observing how a partner handled a difficult situation or performed a particular task could provide information about how they might improve their own behavior.
Comparison was also used to evaluate fairness within the relationship. Participants sometimes considered whether they and their partner were contributing similar amounts of effort to household responsibilities, emotional support or financial obligations.
Some people also reported using comparisons to evaluate the state of the relationship itself. Perceived differences in effort, priorities or involvement could provide information about whether the partnership felt balanced or whether a problem needed to be discussed.
These reported motives reflect participants’ own interpretations and do not establish that comparison objectively improves relationship decisions.
When comparison may create tension
More frequent ability comparisons were particularly associated with concerns about fairness within the relationship.
People who often compared their competence or performance with their partner’s were also more likely to consider whether one person was contributing more than the other.
A smaller group of participants described comparisons they had not initiated themselves. Friends or relatives sometimes drew attention to differences between partners, including income, personality or other characteristics.
These externally prompted comparisons were reported more frequently by younger people and those in newer relationships.
Such comments may be uncomfortable or disruptive for some couples, but the study did not directly measure whether outside comparisons caused poorer relationship outcomes.
Comparison is not always harmful
The findings complicate the familiar idea that comparison is always detrimental.
Certain comparisons can produce insecurity or dissatisfaction, particularly when people repeatedly focus on areas where they believe they fall short. But comparison can also provide information.
For example, partners may recognize that one person is particularly effective at handling a certain responsibility and rely more heavily on that person’s strengths in that situation.
Seeing a partner perform well can also provide an opportunity for learning rather than competition, depending on how the comparison is interpreted.
The study therefore suggests that the consequences of comparison may depend less on whether comparison occurs and more on its purpose, context and emotional meaning.
Important limitations remain
The researchers emphasized several limitations.
Because the studies were cross-sectional, they cannot determine the direction of the associations. Lower self-esteem may contribute to greater partner comparison, but frequent comparison could also influence how people evaluate themselves.
Likewise, relationship satisfaction may affect comparison behavior, while comparison itself may potentially influence satisfaction.
The studies also relied on self-reports. Participants estimated how often they compared themselves with their partners rather than having those thoughts measured as they occurred in everyday life.
Future research using daily diaries, experience-sampling methods or smartphone prompts could capture partner comparisons closer to the moment they happen.
Researchers could also investigate additional motives, including attempts to feel superior, concerns about control or efforts to protect self-esteem.
What future research could reveal
Reese and his colleagues plan to examine how partner comparisons relate to emotional responses, identity and relationship quality over time.
Longitudinal research could help determine whether certain forms of comparison predict later changes in satisfaction or closeness, or whether relationship changes alter the way partners compare themselves.
Similar processes could also be studied outside romantic relationships, including friendships, family relationships and workplaces.
For now, the findings suggest that comparison within romantic relationships is not a single psychological process with uniformly positive or negative consequences.
As relationships become longer and more established, people may be less focused on evaluating how their abilities measure up against a partner’s and more likely to use that partner’s perspective as a source of information.
That does not necessarily mean competition disappears or that opinion comparison automatically improves a relationship. Instead, the research points to a broader shift in what partners compare and what those comparisons may be used for.
